What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didn't shave. On purpose
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
