# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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