I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
