Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
