I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
