i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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