just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Randomize
