So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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