If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
