he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
