I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize