I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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