she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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