im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
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