she woke up with a sticky ear
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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