how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You need Xanax blowdarts
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
