so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
