I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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