Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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