So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
