you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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