The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
