Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
