I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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