grandma shit on top of the toilet
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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