It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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