I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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