i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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