This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
