Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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