I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
