How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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