Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
