hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
