ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
nutella sex= disaster
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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