Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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