So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
