Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
