On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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