I CAN MOONWALK!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
