I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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