Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
