I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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