chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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