when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Oh god it's open bar.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
