nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
