Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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