And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
My pussy is not your playground.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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