The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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