I don't usually arrange sex via text message
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
