So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Never joke about your clitoris.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
