all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
