when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
The cops high fived after they tackled you
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
