I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize