guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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