i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
