I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
