I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
