Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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