dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
