i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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