I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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