only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
