birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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