ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize